Musings from the Journey
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 So last week I wrote about a cycle I was caught in years ago with a person in my life. This person would lash out, offer a heartfelt apology, things would be calm for a while then the cycle would repeat.
I do genuinely believe this person felt remorse for how they showed up, and wanted to do better. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and I saw ways that they were trying to learn, grow and heal. At the time, this was enough for me to stay. I mean, I cared deeply about this person, and they weren't always lashing out, we still had good times together. I wanted to believe that they could eventually heal, and things would get better. Despite this, the pattern repeated itself so many times, I can't even give an estimate. It didn't stop until I chose to remove myself from the scenario. Before I worked up the courage to leave, I heard the phrase somewhere: The best apology is changed behavior. I held that idea for while, giving them a chance to do something different. Ultimately, they didn't. So I did what I needed to do to take care of myself, and let myself soak in the idea that I deserved to be treated better. (We all deserve this!) I left. Taking accountability for how we show up is a really important piece in having a healthy relationship with ourselves and others. While it usually isn't easy to make a change, getting the support that will actually help us get better is essential. The person in my life was making an effort, so it was easy for me to be encouraged by that. However, what I eventually realized was that all of the approaches he was trying were through self-study and reflection. He didn't seek out any third-party supports that would help him see his blind spots, and hold him accountable. As such, it was easy for him to bypass what was necessary. This doesn't mean that we can't make progress through self-work, we certainly can. However, sometimes we really do need outside support and perspective. There are limitations to how far we can grow alone. And, ultimately, in this situation, the efforts he was making didn't result in a change in behavior—not taking his stuff out on me. I invite you to reflect on this idea: the best apology is changed behavior. What comes up for you? Perhaps, you have found yourself on one or both sides of this spectrum. How did or could you take accountability for your part? Or how did or could you set a boundary if you need to? Need a little help on this front? Here for you, without judgment, and proud of anyone willing to do the work that is necessary. Hugs, Sarah
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 My compassion used to get me in trouble years ago.
I'd find myself in a scenario with someone I cared about and I knew well, and they'd be lashing out at me. Eventually the interaction would shift from dumping to apologies. They were so sorry. They were lashing out because of trauma that happened to them in the past. Then things would be calm for a while. Days would pass, and eventually the cycle would repeat. They weren't wrong. I could see why they were hurting, and behaving that way. That person had been cruel to them. They had been through something very difficult. It all made sense to me, and I let that be an excuse for how they would talk to me, even though it would leave me upset and discombobulated to be their dumping ground. I hoped they'd eventually find healing, and it'd get better. Eventually, I realized that this bounty of compassion I was extending to them, I wasn't extending to myself for being in this situation. Also, that this person was a grown ass adult, and capable of taking responsibility for the way they show up. By being so understanding of their wounds, and not setting the boundary that I would remove myself if they would lash out, I was enabling them to continue treating me poorly. I did set the boundary, and because the behavior continued even after, it meant I ultimately left that relationship. Finally, I let the scales balance so I had just as much compassion (and protection) for myself as I did the other person. My compassion for them didn't go away, BUT the way I took care of myself in that situation changed. I share this, because sometimes I hear clients recalling similar conundrums. It is a very difficult place to be. And perhaps you, or someone you know, needs to hear the words that I would become a mantra for me: An explanation is not an excuse. Years later, I still stand by these words. I have compassion for people who are suffering, and have trauma. It is real, and painful. AND, if you are an adult, in the vast majority of situations, you have access to free and professional resources (books, podcasts, support groups, therapy, classes, etc) that can help you heal. Part of healing is taking accountability for our actions, and ensuring that we don't let that cycle continue by harming others. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Okay? Stay tuned next week for our next slogan. ;) Find yourself in this scenario, or another that you can use support with? Reach out! In Solidarity, Humility, and Strength, Sarah |
Sarah Barlow
Reiki Master Teacher and Owner of Embrace Your Essence Sign up for our E-Letters Here
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