Good Grief

Fall is upon us. That means, according to Eastern medicine, it is the season of grief and the lungs. I've been learning a lot about how to hold my own grief in the last year after the passing of my father. I've also been noticing many of my clients facing variations of grief in their own life lately, so I thought it timely to write on this topic.

Firstly, feelings of grief can arise from to a variety of experiences. There are the obvious losses like the passing of a loved one. Then there is disenfranchized grief: losses that aren't widely recognized or supported by society, like the loss of a loved one to suicide, or addiction; loss of a pet, or patient; letting go of an idea of and connection to family due to abuse; loss of an identity, job, or home; loss of hopes and dreams (miscarriage, infertility, divorce, lay offs, the childhood you wish you had had), and more. We might experience anticipatory grief as a loved one declines from illness, or addiction, before the "official" loss actually occurs. There are many shades of grief, contexts of loss. It's helpful to remember that our experience with each scenario will be as unique and multi-faceted as our relationship with that being, dynamic, or aspect of our life.

Our American culture doesn't really create much space for grief in our day-to-day life. The support structures that many of us need aren't woven into the fabric of our social spheres unless we are a part of a community that consciously acknowledges and tends to that aspect of living and dying. It can feel lonely being in a process of grieving, and we may judge ourselves that we should be over it or move on, or that our feelings may not be warranted because it might not compare to someone else's loss/experience. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone grieving say that once the funeral is over, or a few weeks have passed that many people stopped asking them how they are doing. Most workplaces only offer a few days of time off for bereavement, and some may not offer grace for the sense of "nonfunction" that some people experience following a loss. Not to mention, the alienation that some feel for having a disenfranchized loss, because lots of society doesn't know how to hold the mixture of uncomfortable and conflicting feelings that can arise from a loss related to suicide, or abuse, for example. It's easier for some to not look or talk about it. In turn, it can create a weird feeling in griever, a sort of cognitive dissonance, and a need for someone to "Please, acknowledge the elephant in the room!"

I could go on, but for now, I will offer a few final thoughts and suggestions. Take what resonates, and leave the rest. Since grief is so unique and personal, not everything may speak to you.

For the Griever:

• Give yourself grace with the timeline. If you notice yourself feeling like, "I need to be done with this by _____," or, "It's been _____ years, why am I not over this by now?" know there is no deadline. One of the most helpful things I've heard recently is, "What if you give yourself 25 years to grieve your dad? Then, even after those 25 years, you may still have moments that sneak up on you." Once I heard that wisdom, I started giving myself a break... I have plenty of time to learn how to do this and let the experience evolve. It took some of the pressure of doing grief "right" off. 
• Grief isn't something you move through, it is something to be with. The more you can allow yourself to embrace the discomfort and know that sometimes it is just going to feel shitty, the more you honor yourself and the impact the loss has had on you. We don't have to force it to be processed in a certain way, or put a happy face sticker on it.
• Grief can be "inconvenient." You might find feelings sneaking up on you when you are in the middle of an event. You might have a lot of things that you "need to get done," but not have the energy to get them done. Maybe you go through an irritable or cranky phase that strains other areas of your life. These experiences are not uncommon. I don't think there is a way to bypass this. Sorry.
• Please offer gentleness and grace for yourself. 

For Those Who Care for Someone Who is Grieving:

• Check in on your loved one periodically. Ask them how they are doing. Some grievers like to hear stories about the one that they lost, or to be able to share what they loved about them.
• If you would like to offer support, instead of saying something like, "I'm here if you need anything," suggest specific types of support. Sometimes a griever doesn't have the bandwidth to determine or communicate what they need. You could offer things like, "Would you like me to...
  • make you a meal, clean your house, or babysit your kids?
  • sit with you while we watch your favorite show, but we don't have to talk? (It can be hard to "be on" after a loss.)
  • take you out for coffee and you can tell me about what you're going through?
  • go for a walk with you to help you get out of the house?
  • help you figure out what you'd like to do on significant dates?
  • look through photos, or burn old items with you to honor or release the experience?
• Remember this loss is a backdrop experience that may be affecting the rest of their life, including their mood, ability to function, choices, etc. Even things that seem unrelated may be impacted by the loss. Many times there can be a trauma response to a loss. Try to be compassionate and gentle with them. (But of course, grief is not an excuse for bad behavior, so it's okay to set boundaries if someone is acting/lashing out.)
• Let it be about them. If the griever in your life opens up to you, and shares their feelings, give them space to share their experience. Hold off on shifting the focus to your own grief story, unless they are seeking out that shared humanity. Try to be a safe person to let them cry or express their feelings without trying to make it better. We can't really fix loss, but we can allow love, and compassion to flow in and hold that pain by allowing what is. That, in and of itself, can be a sort of balm for the wound. If someone has done this with you, they have given you a huge gift with their vulnerability that many people don't ever share with others. You are also providing a great gift to them, that many people don't readily experience. 

Hope this helps if grief is showing up in your life these days. If you are grieving, is there anything else important that needs mentioning? Share with us in the comments.

Lots of care and comfort for you,
Sarah